relationships

3 Reasons Why We All Need to Have Healthy Boundaries in Love

 

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You have met Mr or Mrs Right. For the first few weeks things are going swimmingly well. Ok, there are a few little niggles but you let it slide. Why? Well, it is early days and you do not want to ruin this perfect bubble of romantic bliss. But as the weeks progress, you both settle into the relationship. Those “little niggles” that you let slide have now become big niggles and they are really upsetting you. Where did it all go wrong? The answer is simple: You did not stick to your love boundaries.

It’s likely that many of you have not yet begun to consider what your boundaries are in love, believing the age-old saying “love has no boundaries”. There may be a variety of other reasons why you may not have set your boundaries in love, the most common being that: “He/She will think that I am bossy or controlling.” Setting boundaries is not about being bossy or controlling. But it is about empowering yourself, modelling to the other person how it is that you would like to be treated. In this light setting your own personal boundaries can be one of your most valuable assets in your relationship.

To understand the importance of love boundaries it may be helpful to consider the following scenario. Let’s say you are going on your first date with Mr or Mrs Right. They are late to meet you, leaving you waiting in the cold and rain. You tell them off in a jokey way, not wanting to ruin the evening. But by date 3 he/she is still leaving you waiting and before you know it you are 6 months into the relationship and still waiting. This time you are waiting for he or she to decide if they are ready to commit to a long-term relationship with you.

Before long you are making excuses for their behaviour until it all becomes too much and you decide to call it a day. You move on to the next one, but somehow history seems to repeat itself. They too leave you waiting; waiting by the phone for them to call, waiting for them to make a decision about they want……. STOP! What you have here is a relationship habit; A habit that you will keep repeating until you take responsibility and start setting clear boundaries for your romantic partnerships.

The good news is that relationship habits, those scenarios that you keep finding yourself in, are the best place to start when beginning the process of setting relationship boundaries. In identifying them you have to be honest and take a reflective look at past romantic partnerships to see where it has all gone wrong in the past. Being able to do this requires courage but once you have done it, you empower yourself to take responsibility for your actions, happiness and relationships. In doing this you also begin to recognize and accept that YOU are responsible for your happiness, nobody else. You begin to realize that you do not have to put up with any old rubbish and that you deserve to be happy in love.

Having boundaries is the easy bit. Sticking to your boundaries; well, that’s the hard bit and believe me once you have told the Universe what your boundaries are they will send potential partners, to test those boundaries. To test YOU! With this in mind it is important that you stick to those boundaries. No excuses about the other person being the first amazing guy/woman that you have met in ages. There is no time for excuses when setting and working within your own set of personal love boundaries. You have got to stick to the boundaries! Here are 3 reasons why it’s important to have boundaries and stick to them:

It creates balance in your relationship When you let your boundaries slip you are effectively allowing yourself to dance to the other person’s tune. You are doing things to keep the other person happy at the expense of your own happiness. Is this a balanced relationship? No, it’s not! It’s an unbalanced relationship with the spotlight firmly centred upon the happiness of one person and it’s not you. When you have boundaries you give balance to your relationship allowing both parties to enjoy the relationship as you both get what you want from one another.

You show the other person how you deserve to be treated All too often us women think that the man knows how we want to be treated and, if he doesn’t, then he bloody well should. But that’s not the case because one size fits all relationships don’t exist. We are all different. What works for one woman is a distraction and annoyance for another. When we have boundaries and learn to say ‘No!’ we send a clear message about what we will and will not put up with. In doing this we are showing the other person how it is we want and deserve to be treated.

It’s empowering When you know what you want and refuse to settle for anything less you feel empowered. What happens when you feel empowered? Well, you feel great and that energy radiates outward, touching every person you come into contact with. It is when you are in this state of mind and powerful place in your life that you attract great things and people into your life. Under the law of attraction: like attracts like. Positive, happy and loving people want to be around people who resonate at the same energy level. It is this type of partner and relationship that you want in your life, something very much unlike what you have had before.

In essence, setting personal boundaries in love is like running your own VIP club. There are certain boundaries that cannot be crossed and it’s up to you to eject those that choose to cross your boundaries.

At first setting boundaries in love is tricky. People who used to throw themselves at you, now begin backing off. As they back off you begin to feel as if may be this boundary setting isn’t all it is cracked up to be. It is often at this time that you may want to throw in the towel and revert to your old ways: Don’t do it! Instead persevere, safe in the knowledge that those who back away were not ready to enter your space and be part of your VIP club.

Before long the positive feelings begin to outweigh the negative and you’re likely to experience increased feelings of:

Upliftment

Achievement

Self-love

Love

Fulfilment

Happiness

Freedom

Peace

These positive feelings will radiate from you out to the Universe and you’ll find yourself attracting more of the same. You just got to be prepared to go through that icky, uncomfortable period first.

Although, boundaries in love are important you should remember that setting boundaries in other areas of lives is really important to. This could be with your friendships, family life or workplace. Each of these relationships are important and can have a positive or negative impact on our wellbeing, on a spiritual, emotional and physical level. So, get clear about how you want to be treated and start setting those boundaries.

 

This article has been adapted slightly from my original article, which can be read on the OM Times website.  Click here to read the original article.

The Art of Moving On

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We each have developed our own coping mechanisms when it comes to dealing with a break up. Some of us reach for chocolate and bottle of wine, drowning our sorrows whilst watching a movie. Whereas others of us opt for revenge, snooping on our exes Facebook page or sending drunken texts professing our eternal love. In the moment you achieve your desired core feeling of peace, enabling you to forget the pain and him (or her). Once the moment has passed you are left wondering:
• What’s wrong with me?
• Where did it all go wrong?
• Why did he/she screw me over?
• When will he/she apologise?
• How could I have been so stupid?

Sound familiar? Of course, it does because we have all been there and know that break-ups suck. No matter how many times you experience a break-up it always hurts, there’s no getting away from that fact. But how long you have to live with that hurt is entirely up to you. You can dwell on the past and in the pain or you can heal your way out of it.

What am I really hurt about?
When you break up with someone there is an overwhelming feeling of hurt. In my case I felt hurt that he’d rejected me. Hurt that I’d allowed myself to be vulnerable. All this hurt brought up one feeling: Fear.

I realised when I broke up with my last ex that the hurt I felt had a lot to do with my fears. My fears of:
• Being single again
• Going back on the dating scene
• Not finding and being with the one
• Not being enough
However, in the moment I thought that I was hurt because I had lost love and the love of my life. In reality, this was not the case.

What I didn’t see at the time was that love cannot be lostbecause it is within and all around me. Nor could I see that I hadn’t lost the love of my life. I was and still I am the love of my life. God is the love of my life. However, in that relationship I had, unwittingly, put my ex first. In doing so I had placed all of my hopes, dreams and happiness on him. Inadvertently putting pressure on him and the relationship to live up to my high ideals. Therefore, any hint of a problem caused me to fret and over analyse. Building a mountain out of a mole hill because my happiness was being threatened. In hindsight I see that I was never truly at ease in that relationship or any other. The foundations were built with bricks of fear not love. When it all came crashing down all I was left with were my fears. Fears that I had tried to suppress with and in that relationship. This is was it was necessary to consider, at the end of the relationship, what I was really hurt about.

Lessons to be learnt: What role did I play?
He and I had broken up many times before. In between I’d dated other people and before him I’d had one other relationship. For someone reason, my relationships all went the same way. I would always blame the other person. It was easier to see their faults rather than my own. Friends and family would rally around to help me with this mammoth task of tearing him to pieces. But I recall this break up with this particular ex feeling very final. What I couldn’t have known at the time was that a major shift was about to happen. A shift that changed my life forever. I’ll tell you all about that another time.

During this time one question kept coming back to me: What part did you play? Never before had I taken the time to put myself in the hot seat. Never before had I ever considered that I was in some way to blame. In the past I’d always seen the other person’s faults. It’s no surprise that each of my partners had the same fault and exhibited very similar traits. A definite pattern was occurring in each of my relationships.

Now, before I continue, it’s important to say that it’s easy to get stuck in this phase of blaming yourself. However, this isn’t what this stage us about. Instead it’s an opportunity for you to shine light on your own shadow side, using this to enable you to clean up your side of the street. Ultimately, leading you to a place where you:

  • Acknowledge any patterns in behaviour
  • Identify the lessons to be learnt from the relationship
  • Learn the lesson
  • Grow and move on
  • Live and enjoy your life

If I am honest this took me to a dark place. It was definitely not easy to acknowledge my own shadows. However, I had a real knowing that it was necessary to go to this place. The fact that I’d hit rock bottom before and rose again, like a phoenix from the ashes, gave me strength. Encouraging me to believe that the only way would now be up and I’d come out the other end. In truth that is the beauty of falling down: The only way is up.

Be kind
When I found myself in that dark place it was especially important that I was kind to myself. Wallowing in my darkness seemed like an easy and strangely attractive option at the time. However, as divine timing would have it I had booked myself into a dance class prior to the break up. In addition to this I had begun writing again and felt drawn to signing up for a Reiki healing course. All of these were perfect distractions from my dark place, giving me the time and space to focus on myself.

Having this time to myself, to enjoy and delve into my passions brought with it many blessings, including:

  • Re-establishing my own identity outside of the relationship
  • Connecting with the essence of who I am
  • Falling in love with life and me again
  • Shifting my perspective
  • Forgetting the past
  • Remembering what peace feels, looks and sounds like

Healing time with the Angels
For me it was learning Angelic Reiki that truly made the difference. I’ll share the whole story at a different time. But it was the healing I received that gave me real insight into the root cause of problems, taking me right back to a past life with that particular ex. This enabled me to see that we had a soul mate connection and understand why certain patterns were being repeated. The healing itself was something I practised regularly after the course. I found it to be very calming and relaxing as well as comforting. It was a time reserved just for me that enabled me to connect to Angels, Ascended Masters, God and myself. In the quiet stillness I received nuggets of guidance, inspiration and a whole lot of clarity. All of which enabled me to heal from that relationship and gradually move on.

Healing can take many forms. Angelic Reiki and crystals worked for me but dancing, prayer, meditation, kundalini yoga or tapping may work for you. Either way it’s all about shifting that energy. Energy that has become stuck, causing a block that leaves you feeling unable to move forward. If you are not practising shifting the energy or dissolving the energetic cords on a regular basis you get a build-up of stagnant energy. The bigger the build-up the bigger the block and the more clearing you need to do. It can be a slow process as you shed the layers of hurt and pain, as I did, but it will be well worth it in the end. You’ll end up stronger, wiser and happier for it.

Love is a heros journeyMoving on from a relationship with someone you have had a strong connection is painful but it’s not impossible.  What I’ve learnt is that each relationship provides an opportunity for growth. An opportunity to shed old ways of being, seeing and feeling that no longer serve my highest good. Whilst in a relationship it’s inevitable that I will play many roles. Sometimes I will be called upon to play the role of the teacher. Whilst at other times I’ll be called upon to play the role of the student or mother. Whatever my role it is clear to me that relationships facilitate growth and life lessons.  They are a place where my deepest wounds will be laid bare before, not only my eyes but the eyes of my partner too. This is beautiful and perfect so long as I make room for this process to happen.