The Art of Moving On

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We each have developed our own coping mechanisms when it comes to dealing with a break up. Some of us reach for chocolate and bottle of wine, drowning our sorrows whilst watching a movie. Whereas others of us opt for revenge, snooping on our exes Facebook page or sending drunken texts professing our eternal love. In the moment you achieve your desired core feeling of peace, enabling you to forget the pain and him (or her). Once the moment has passed you are left wondering:
• What’s wrong with me?
• Where did it all go wrong?
• Why did he/she screw me over?
• When will he/she apologise?
• How could I have been so stupid?

Sound familiar? Of course, it does because we have all been there and know that break-ups suck. No matter how many times you experience a break-up it always hurts, there’s no getting away from that fact. But how long you have to live with that hurt is entirely up to you. You can dwell on the past and in the pain or you can heal your way out of it.

What am I really hurt about?
When you break up with someone there is an overwhelming feeling of hurt. In my case I felt hurt that he’d rejected me. Hurt that I’d allowed myself to be vulnerable. All this hurt brought up one feeling: Fear.

I realised when I broke up with my last ex that the hurt I felt had a lot to do with my fears. My fears of:
• Being single again
• Going back on the dating scene
• Not finding and being with the one
• Not being enough
However, in the moment I thought that I was hurt because I had lost love and the love of my life. In reality, this was not the case.

What I didn’t see at the time was that love cannot be lostbecause it is within and all around me. Nor could I see that I hadn’t lost the love of my life. I was and still I am the love of my life. God is the love of my life. However, in that relationship I had, unwittingly, put my ex first. In doing so I had placed all of my hopes, dreams and happiness on him. Inadvertently putting pressure on him and the relationship to live up to my high ideals. Therefore, any hint of a problem caused me to fret and over analyse. Building a mountain out of a mole hill because my happiness was being threatened. In hindsight I see that I was never truly at ease in that relationship or any other. The foundations were built with bricks of fear not love. When it all came crashing down all I was left with were my fears. Fears that I had tried to suppress with and in that relationship. This is was it was necessary to consider, at the end of the relationship, what I was really hurt about.

Lessons to be learnt: What role did I play?
He and I had broken up many times before. In between I’d dated other people and before him I’d had one other relationship. For someone reason, my relationships all went the same way. I would always blame the other person. It was easier to see their faults rather than my own. Friends and family would rally around to help me with this mammoth task of tearing him to pieces. But I recall this break up with this particular ex feeling very final. What I couldn’t have known at the time was that a major shift was about to happen. A shift that changed my life forever. I’ll tell you all about that another time.

During this time one question kept coming back to me: What part did you play? Never before had I taken the time to put myself in the hot seat. Never before had I ever considered that I was in some way to blame. In the past I’d always seen the other person’s faults. It’s no surprise that each of my partners had the same fault and exhibited very similar traits. A definite pattern was occurring in each of my relationships.

Now, before I continue, it’s important to say that it’s easy to get stuck in this phase of blaming yourself. However, this isn’t what this stage us about. Instead it’s an opportunity for you to shine light on your own shadow side, using this to enable you to clean up your side of the street. Ultimately, leading you to a place where you:

  • Acknowledge any patterns in behaviour
  • Identify the lessons to be learnt from the relationship
  • Learn the lesson
  • Grow and move on
  • Live and enjoy your life

If I am honest this took me to a dark place. It was definitely not easy to acknowledge my own shadows. However, I had a real knowing that it was necessary to go to this place. The fact that I’d hit rock bottom before and rose again, like a phoenix from the ashes, gave me strength. Encouraging me to believe that the only way would now be up and I’d come out the other end. In truth that is the beauty of falling down: The only way is up.

Be kind
When I found myself in that dark place it was especially important that I was kind to myself. Wallowing in my darkness seemed like an easy and strangely attractive option at the time. However, as divine timing would have it I had booked myself into a dance class prior to the break up. In addition to this I had begun writing again and felt drawn to signing up for a Reiki healing course. All of these were perfect distractions from my dark place, giving me the time and space to focus on myself.

Having this time to myself, to enjoy and delve into my passions brought with it many blessings, including:

  • Re-establishing my own identity outside of the relationship
  • Connecting with the essence of who I am
  • Falling in love with life and me again
  • Shifting my perspective
  • Forgetting the past
  • Remembering what peace feels, looks and sounds like

Healing time with the Angels
For me it was learning Angelic Reiki that truly made the difference. I’ll share the whole story at a different time. But it was the healing I received that gave me real insight into the root cause of problems, taking me right back to a past life with that particular ex. This enabled me to see that we had a soul mate connection and understand why certain patterns were being repeated. The healing itself was something I practised regularly after the course. I found it to be very calming and relaxing as well as comforting. It was a time reserved just for me that enabled me to connect to Angels, Ascended Masters, God and myself. In the quiet stillness I received nuggets of guidance, inspiration and a whole lot of clarity. All of which enabled me to heal from that relationship and gradually move on.

Healing can take many forms. Angelic Reiki and crystals worked for me but dancing, prayer, meditation, kundalini yoga or tapping may work for you. Either way it’s all about shifting that energy. Energy that has become stuck, causing a block that leaves you feeling unable to move forward. If you are not practising shifting the energy or dissolving the energetic cords on a regular basis you get a build-up of stagnant energy. The bigger the build-up the bigger the block and the more clearing you need to do. It can be a slow process as you shed the layers of hurt and pain, as I did, but it will be well worth it in the end. You’ll end up stronger, wiser and happier for it.

Love is a heros journeyMoving on from a relationship with someone you have had a strong connection is painful but it’s not impossible.  What I’ve learnt is that each relationship provides an opportunity for growth. An opportunity to shed old ways of being, seeing and feeling that no longer serve my highest good. Whilst in a relationship it’s inevitable that I will play many roles. Sometimes I will be called upon to play the role of the teacher. Whilst at other times I’ll be called upon to play the role of the student or mother. Whatever my role it is clear to me that relationships facilitate growth and life lessons.  They are a place where my deepest wounds will be laid bare before, not only my eyes but the eyes of my partner too. This is beautiful and perfect so long as I make room for this process to happen.

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A lesson learnt

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As my manager walked into the room a feeling of dread washed over me. I hadn’t done anything wrong and it wasn’t that I disliked her as a person. It was just that her energy didn’t resonate with me and hadn’t been resonating for a long time.  This was largely due to the fact that she had been feeling isolated, drained, stressed and fearful about a whole host of things on the work-front.  Therefore, her energy had been very much routed in fear and every time she walked in a room I, literally felt her energy!

I listened as she and a colleague moaned about the perils of our working environment. I listened as they lamented over the toll that it was having on their body.  Suddenly, all eyes were on me, as they waited to hear if I was feeling the same way.  Fortunately for me I didn’t feel the same way.  Taking time out for daily meditation, mixed with Angelic Reiki self-healing, prayer and a healthy dose of sleep were helping me to fight off the chronic exhaustion that was plaguing our working environment. Openly, I shared that I didn’t feel the same way.  Silence followed my declaration.  Despite not making eye contact with either party I felt a rush of energy hurtling towards me from my manager, attaching itself like a little patch of heat.  My manager wasn’t impressed and didn’t want to hear that I felt fine.  She wasn’t going to let me know this verbally but, energetically, her annoyance was felt.  Silently I returned to my magazine.  But the damage and energy exchange had already begun.

In the moment’s that followed my manager’s mood changed, as did mine.  My manager seemed calmer, happier and more at peace.  Whereas, I felt lethargic, annoyed and isolated for the rest of the day. However, in hindsight this situation taught me a few things about energy, protecting my energy and how to effectively handle negative people/situations. So, in no particular order, here are my top 5 lessons:

Protection
As a sensitive I know about protection and the importance of protecting my energy. However, back then I didn’t practise this as often as I should have. I was very good at meditating regularly, praying each day and giving myself occasional Angelic Reiki self-healing.  But having cleared the lower energy and raised my vibration I would find that I would attract energy vampires who were drawn to my light. Unbeknown to them energetic transfers would take place between them, leading me to take on their negative energy as if it were my own.

As a light worker there was not and still isn’t any real need for this to be happening as often as it was. Therefore, in response to this I now protect my energy on a daily basis.  Doing so, by calling on my beloved Archangel Michael.  Inviting him to cover me with his blue cloak of protection and protect me from all forms of lower forms of energy.  Other methods I use include activating my bubble of protection and energy mirrors.  All of these methods support me in staying grounded and not absorbing the negative and lower energy of others.

Awareness 
I can feel exchanges of energy and know when an energetic exchange has occurred. This is something that I now use and work with to my advantage, rather than allowing the ego to step in and leading me further into the negativity by indulging in self-pity, anger, gossip or judging others. We all have the capacity to be more aware of the energetic changes that are going on around us and within all the time.  A daily meditation practise and regular Angelic Reiki healing enables me to clear my energy.  In doing so I can feel the difference when in the company of energy vampires and use this knowledge to make a choice to respond with my ego or my Higher self. 

Choice
A Course of Miracles teaches us that in any situation you can choose love or fear. You can’t choose both and only one is real. In my scenario you can see that I’m aware of the energetic exchange. From that place of awareness I chose to respond from a place of fear rather than love. In adopting that fearful response I took on all of the negative feelings that weren’t mine. Negative feelings that didn’t exist before the energetic exchange. It is only in hindsight that I responded from a place of love but how different that moment, that day could have been if I’d chosen love. Now, when faced with a similar situation I try to make that choice to respond from a place of love by simply affirming: “That energy is not mine. I choose love over fear. Only love is real. And so it is.”

Agree

I recall a time when I worked with someone who wasn’t very nice to me. At the time I asked a really successful friend for some advice on how to deal with her and his response was: “Agree with her”.  This sounded crazy but he explained that by doing this I made her feel good which allowed me to get on with my job with no drama. So on Monday morning I tried this with my then colleague and it worked a treat. Sadly, I didn’t adopt this strategy with my manager at that time but I do try to adopt this strategy when dealing with negative people.

Also, in thinking back to this scenario I was taken back to a vlog by Gabrielle Bernstein where she talks about using a similar strategy when dealing with negative people.  You can check it out here.

Looking back on the scenario I see that my manager was looking for someone to wallow with her. She wasn’t looking for positivity or a solution. All she wanted was a sounding board and someone to listen. She wasn’t ready for solutions, opinions especially not those of a spiritual kind.

Therefore, I learnt that in scenarios where negativity seems to prevail my best response can often be to agree in an empathetic way:  “I can imagine you are tired.” “Yes, I can see how stressed this must be making you feel. I don’t know how you do it.”

Forgiveness

Much of the time I found that the vast majority of negative people that I have encountered had no idea that they were energetically draining. Therefore, it was important for me to recognise that they were not draining me on purpose.  Therefore, forgiving the other person and myself, especially in situations that left me feeling sad or angry.  In doing so I was taking steps to release the situation, the other person and myself.  This ensured that the situation and person no longer had power over me.  Thus allowing me to continue on my path in peace and love.

Ultimately, I’ve learnt that I am only responsible for my own peace, thoughts and actions. I’m fortunate enough to have and know the tools that are at my disposal to enable me to do this. All I need to do is use them. This requires a conscious effort but it will all be worth it in the end.

How do you handle working with or being around negative people? What tips can you share to protect your energy? Share your tips here. Maybe you need some advice on how to maintain your peace in negative situations. If that’s you, then feel free to post your question in the comment box below.

Forgiveness. The BIG F-word.

When I was first guided to write about forgiveness it was going to be a retrospective. Looking back at what I had learnt about forgiveness. But that all changed when my male neighbour decided to verbally abuse me and intimidate me on my own doorstep. The experience gave the topic a whole new spin.

I’m pretty streetwise so when push comes to shove I will speak up for myself, even against a big man. Despite this the whole experience of being verbally abused and deliberately intimidated left me worried and anxious, not to mention angry. Anxious and worried about my safety. Angry that a man, twice my age and size thinks it’s ok to treat me, a woman with such disdain.

However as worried, anxious and angry as I was I felt guided to make a specific choice and perform a specific action.

My choice was to be open to releasing the situation to God and forgiving this man. And the action? That was to pray for him and his family. The choice and action seemed natural to me. It came with no resistance from me. Pretty strange when I consider that I was that woman who would hold grudges and happily throw it all in your face in the heat of the moment. So what’s changed? I guess I’ve changed. Having chosen to really explore my spiritual side, through practising Angelic Reiki, I have come to heal, understand myself and the crazy workings of the universe at a deeper level. That doesn’t make me an angel who always gets it right but in this situation I’m learning to practise what I preach, what I’ve learnt and what I’m learning.

So here are the top 5 things that I have learnt about forgiveness:

  1. It’s a choice. You can either walk around carrying all of this anger, bitterness and resentment inside you or you can let it go. In letting it go you are choosing the path of forgiveness.
  2. The universe/God knows it isn’t an easy choice. Because of this they ease us in gently by allowing us to declare that we are sincerely open and ready to forgive the person who’s hurt us. When you open your heart to forgiving you open the door to love and close the door to fear.
  3. Forgiveness = blessings. Blessings occur from a place of love. The capacity to love is harder when the heart is closed and mind is trapped in fear. By choosing to forgive you are showing the universe/God that you are ready for blessings and for it/Him to replace what they have taken with something better.
  4. Law of compensation is already at work. From the moment that person takes from you something that doesn’t belong to them the universe/God is ready to compensate you. This is the Divine law of compensation. Therefore when we hold onto those negative thoughts and feelings we are, affectively, deactivating the Divine law of compensation.  However, when we choose love and forgiveness we are activating this law, allowing the Universe to improve the situation.  Simultaneously we surrender the situation to God, doing so in complete faith that he will take care of us and everything else.
  5. Make way for peace.  Once you have surrendered your thoughts, anger and fear to God you feel an overwhelming feeling of peace.  With that peace one of two things happens; you no longer care what the other person has to say or the other person changes their attitude toward you.  Either way, peace resides within you because you are not carrying this heavy burden of negativity.  With peace comes love, leaving room for the blessings to arrive and your situation to improve.

Ultimately, the choice to forgive doesn’t always come naturally in the same way that it did in my situation.  However, what I do know is that by practising forgiveness you release the weight of all that negativity that you carry around in your heart.  Releasing it all brings such a sense of relief.  After all, it is not you who has inflicted the pain so why should you continue to suffer for it?

In my own practise I am saying a prayer of forgiveness each day and will continue to do this for 30 days.  So, in light of this, I am inviting you to join me in a 30 day prayer of forgiveness.  All you have to do is commit to saying a prayer of forgiveness to the other person.  It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, you a short prayer where you declare that you forgive the other person and wish them well on their onward journey.  For example, my prayer goes a little something like this:

Dear God and Angels.  I declare that I forgive [name of person] for what he/she has said and done. I surrender the situation, my fears and anger to you.  I wish [name of person] well on that person and extend my love towards them.  I know that my family and I are safe and that you are protecting and guiding me in love always.  And so it is!

Obviously, you can use your own words if you would prefer.  It’s all about what resonates with you.  And, if at first, you find it difficult to forgive then you can always call on God/Angels or whoever you believe in to guide you, give you strength or whatever you feel that you need to get to that point of forgiveness.  Trust me, you will get there.  I have forgiven people who have really hurt me and know others who have forgiven people who have abused them.  So, I know that it is possible to forgive.

Have you ever forgiven someone who has hurt you? How did you do it? Feel free to share your story here if you feel drawn to.  Your experience and advice could be exactly the tonic that somebody else needs in that moment.

Just say YES

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Let’s play a game.  The game is called Have you ever? All you need to do is answer “yes” or “no” to the questions.  Easy-peasy, right?  Ok!  So, let’s begin…..

  • Have you ever said no to joining that new dance class?
  • Have you ever said no to asking out that hot guy/girl that you have been admiring from afar?
  • Have you ever said no to dying your hair or having that new, shorter and much sexier hairstyle?
  • Have you ever said no to changing career?

Be honest, how many times have you said “no” to something that you really want to do or experience, only to regret later down the line?  Once? Twice? A hundred times or more?  Me too!

So, many times in life you say “no” when your soul is screaming “YES”.  Your soul knows that the time is right for you to take the plunge.  It knows that the Universe has got your back and is just waiting to give you that feeling, that opportunity that it knows that you deserve.  But, it lets out a huge sigh every time you listen to your ego and say “no”.

Your ego thinks that it is pretty smart.  It thinks that it knows what is best for you.  And it I has no hesitation in telling you about all of the things that could go wrong if you say “yes”.  You know when the ego is speaking to you because it sounds a little like this:

  • “You can’t afford it.”
  • “What if it all goes wrong?”
  • “He/she/they will say “no” and you’ll be rejected.”
  • “You have no rhythm and two left feet.  You will be a laughing stock at dance class.”
  • “It isn’t going to work.”

Then, if it gets the feeling that you are going to say “yes” anyway, it will step things up a gear.  Remember the ego is smart and it will scan your memory bank in search of times when you felt rejected and embarrassed.  Doing so, in order to say “See, you’ve said yes before and look how that turned out”.

Now, for the killer blow.  Your ego is right.  It could all go tits-up.  You probably have said “yes” before only to have been left red-faced or with mud on your face.  But, that is life.  Shit happens.  But when shit happens you learn from it and move on.

You are no longer the person that you were back then when.  Today, you are smarter, wiser and cooler than you were back then.  You listen to the quiet voice of your soul much more than you used to.  You don’t make rash, impulsive choices like you used to either.  By saying “yes” today you are coming from a much different place to the one you resided at back then.

By saying “yes” it is quite possible that things could turn out way better than you could ever have imagined.  It’s possible that you will receive blessings that you have only dreamed of.  You could meet someone or a whole bunch of people who change and rock your world forever!  Wouldn’t it be sad if you missed out on all of this just because you listened to the ego and said “no”?

Don’t get me wrong I am not advocating going wild and quitting your job to do outreach work in Africa.  Nor am I saying that you should be an asshole who just says “yes” for the sake of it, even though you have no intention of following through.  But what, I am saying is that you know when change needs to happen in your life.  You know when you are merely existing, rather than living.  You also know when you are holding yourself back from doing the things that you really want to do.  If the latter is you, then don’t you think it’s time to cut the apron strings from your over-protective ego-self?  Yes, the ego-self serves the purpose of protecting you from pain you may have ever experienced and felt in the past.  However, it’s important to respond to that burning desire for change/to try something new has been put inside you for a reason.  Tbh, it probably will not go away until you say “yes”.

I’ll tell you a little secret: When I started saying “yes” when my ego was saying “no”, uber-cool things started happening in my life.  Don’t get me wrong saying “yes” didn’t come easy.  In fact, it scared the shit out of me.  Why? Because it meant going beyond my comfort zone and being vulnerable.  But, I pushed through it, focusing on what I wanted.  These are just some of the awesome opportunities that I said “yes” to when my ego said “no”:

  • Working as a psychic for the UK’s leading and longest running psychic TV show
  • Training to become (and eventually becoming) an Angelic Reiki healer and teacher.  Training with an amazing teacher at a fraction of the usual price for such a course
  • Featuring in popular spiritual magazines, including OM Times and Spirit & Destiny
  • Defying my critics and the so-called experts and working in industries that I loved

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t always say “yes” and there are times when I have faced some real challenges after saying “yes”.  Although, it comes as no surprise that when this happened my words and feelings were not in alignment (more on that in another blog post).

Ultimately, what you must remember is that whether you are saying “no” or “yes” the Universe is always listening.  Not only is it listening but it’s also responding and co-creating with you.  All you need to do is decide what you want more of in your life.  More of the same – Say “no” more.  A chance for something more – Say “yes”.  Simple.

Ok, it takes practise but you will get the hang of it.  So, what are you going to say “yes” to today?  Tell me, tell me, tell me, I want to know.  Say “yes” to sharing with me today (if you want to of course).

© Wellbeing London 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without verbal or written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Wellbeing London with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

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Silent Witness

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Statistics reveal that one in four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.  But what is rarely discussed is the impact that this has on children.  The silent witnesses who hear or witness violence against their mothers.

As a former teacher I have seen how domestic violence can impact on the learning and development of a child.  I have observed how a child can go from happy and carefree to sad and withdrawn.  Equally, I have seen how the violence behind closed doors manifests itself in the children’s play and interactions with their peers.  As they role-play what they have seen, at home, behind closed doors.

Some of these children will talk about what they have seen.  A ‘passing’ comment during a conversation about story settings and adjectives.  On the other side there are some children who uphold that silence.  They say nothing about what they have seen and heard.  However, maintaining this wall of silence about the domestic violence does affect them.  Just because they are not talking about it doesn’t mean that it isn’t affecting them.  But what can be done about it?

There is much that can be done and it begins with education.  Education for teachers and all front-line staff who work with children.  Ultimately, there needs to be more support in place for the children who see and hear domestic violence at home, an outlet for them to talk rather than staying silent and bottling it all up.  Also, putting healthy relationships and domestic violence on the curriculum would also be a huge step in breaking this wall of silence.

Discussion and learning about healthy relationships and domestic violence in schools is a way of breaking the cycle.  If the subject is talked about then it no longer becomes taboo, a secret that we shouldn’t talk about.  As far as I can see it’s the secrecy that surrounds domestic violence that contributes to more women, and increasingly teenage women, not speaking up and asking for help.  If we could break the cycle then maybe we wouldn’t have so many silent witnesses and so many women dying at the hands of a violent partner.

In putting this topic on the curriculum we have to be careful that we do not fall into the trap of simply passing the buck.  Leaving it up to the teachers to educate our children and young people.  Teachers who, themselves, do not have adequate training, knowledge and understanding of the issue in order to then educate our children and young people.  After all, most teachers find having discussions about social media and sex with their pupils a difficult enough task.  In addition to this pupils find it hard to take their teachers seriously when discussing sensitive issues.  Furthermore, some teachers find it hard to remain objective, leading the discussion without condemning or judging.

Educating our children and young people on this issue needs to be a shared responsibility.  Teachers, parents, governors and external agencies all need to be behind it, ensuring that all parties are well trained on leading this discussion.  Survivors of domestic violence, some of whom may be parents, should have the right to share their story, if they want to.  Children and young people need to see and hear real life examples rather than just being given the facts, sprinkled with a bit of debate or opinion.  Police and external agencies who work with the victims, perpetrators and children should also be instrumental, not only in putting the programme of work together but also in leading it.

What we need to recognise is that what has been done up until now isn’t enough.  We need a more holistic and collaborative approach in order to demolish this wall of silence.  Yes, domestic violence is an emotive and complex issue but that doesn’t mean that we should continue to sweep it under the carpet.  It is a problem that can no longer be ignored.  Educating our children and young people about healthy relationships and domestic violence isn’t about scare mongering.  It is about lifting the veil of silence and putting domestic violence under the spotlight.  Doing so in a way that breaks the cycle of this being a silent crime. Children shouldn’t be silent witnesses anymore.  Our children deserve more than that.

If you require support or advice regarding domestic violence then please seek help.  I have complied a list of organisations who are there to help.  There’s no need to suffer in silence.

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The Early Intervention Foundation has recently launched a report on domestic violence and it’s impact on children.  To find out more please click here.

© Wellbeing London 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without verbal or written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Wellbeing London with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.